Book Review – The Well-Behaved Child

Any parent of a child older than 12 months old knows that children have a mind of their own and many times, that mind tells them to rebel against all social mores known to the civilized world.  It is the goal of most, if not all parents to be able to train their child in a way that teaches the child obedience, respect, and self-confidence.  Unfortunately, many parents are simply at their wit’s end in knowing how to effectively train their children.

Family psychologist and syndicated columnist John Rosemond all but guarantees phenomenal results in even the most devilish of children in his newest book, The Well-Behaved Child.  His basic premise is that, contrary to modern-day “psychobabble” (he uses this and other similar terms throughout the book), children are, in a word, bad.  And it is solely the parents’ responsibility to “exorcise those demons that can be pried loose and help their child learn to control those that refuse to let go” (p.5).  To this end, Rosemond outlines “seven fundamentals of effective discipline” and “seven discipline tools you can’t do without.”

Rosemond’s fundamentals of effective discipline rest entirely on the assertion that parents have ultimate authority in the family and until they learn to talk (“Alpha Speech”) and act like it, their children simply won’t be bothered to listen or obey.  Parents should use phrases like “Because I said so” frequently and with gusto.  Closely following this is the need to nip disobedience in the bud by requiring first time obedience and administering punishment that more severe than the crime warrants in order to prevent the crime from occurring again.

Some of the discipline tools include “tickets,” “strikes,” or “charts.”  Each of these follow a similar theme in that the child is given a set number of chances in a given time period to obey before punishment is administered.  The first two or three are allowed to pass without punishment, but once those are gone, the child then begins losing privileges for a set period of time.  Punishments include things like taking away toys, video games, and privileges.  The harshest punishment that Rosemond seems to consider is a child being confined to his room for the rest of the day no matter what time the punishment is administered.  At the end of the period, the child will supposedly either be reformed or in need of another hearty dose of one or another of these discipline tools.

Anyone familiar with Rosemond’s column on parenting will know exactly what to expect.  For those unfamiliar with him, Rosemond is his usual sarcastic, sometimes-humorous, caustic, condescending self who insists that previous generations all had enough common sense to know exactly how to deal with these “Demon Spawn[s] of Satan.”  Many of today’s parenting problems would not exist if only today’s parents took advice from their grandparents.  From the start, Rosemond is quite clear that he has no tolerance for modern-day “psychobabble” that labels misbehaving children with some psychological ailment of one stripe or another.  According to Rosemond, most if not all “ailments” are curable by implementing strict discipline.

While Rosemond is careful to insist that his methods are not guaranteed to change a child, it seems like he is only trying to add a disclaimer after repeatedly using language that shows he thinks otherwise.  For example, he states that “one does not accomplish the successful discipline of a child by manipulating the consequences” (p.22), yet every disciplinary tool he recommends incorporates some consequence as a result of a child’s misbehavior.

There are several good things that Rosemond discusses in his book.  I believe he is absolutely correct when he says that children are born bad and that it is the parents’ responsibility to train their children.  This lines up with the Biblical teaching of the depravity of man and the authority of the parents.  First time obedience should indeed be expected of and trained in our children.  Some of the tools and principles he suggests seem to be at least worth trying.

At the same time, there are several issues that I have with what Rosemond has written.  First, Rosemond has an extremely authoritarian view of parenting.  Children are not to be reasoned with or given explanations, but are to simply obey what has been told them.  As Rosemond says, “When a child is old enough to be successfully reasoned with, he is no longer a child.  He’s ready to leave home—and he should” (p.6).  This kind of thinking leaves me scratching my head and wondering why Rosemond would not see the wisdom in giving explanations to their children in order to help the children understand what has been told them.  I’m not talking about arguing with a toddler, but simply explaining things to a child who has developed the ability to understand things.  This kind of discipline seems to only tend toward making a person completely dependent on the parents’ beliefs, only to have the child rebel at the first possible opportunity.

Additionally, the one “tool” I disagree with the most is what Rosemond refers to as “the Doctor.”  Essentially, the parents convince a child that, according to “the Doctor” his or her obedience issues aren’t the child’s fault because the child is simply too tired, too over-stimulated, etc. and simply needs more rest.  The child can’t really argue with the parents since it’s not their call, but rather “the Doctor’s.”  Rosemond attempts to justify this lie by saying it isn’t really a lie since it is in the child’s best interest.  What perplexes me the most about this “tool” is that it seems to contradict what Rosemond has just spent pages trying to establish – that every issue of disobedience IS the child’s problem and that final authority rests on the parents.  Instead, the fictitious “Doctor” is given final authority and the problem is converted into one that the child supposedly has no control over except to rest more.

Lastly, Rosemond constantly refers to research that has been done that proves without a doubt his point of view.  For example, he says “Research into parenting outcomes is clear that the best-behaved children are also the happiest, most well-adjusted children” (p.148).  However, this research is never cited in the endnotes section.  I realize that this isn’t necessarily a professional psychological paper, but if he’s going to have an endnotes section (in which he cites himself in 7 out of 11 endnotes), it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to include some reference as to where this research comes from.  Or maybe Rosemond is simply pulling his own version of “the Doctor” on his readers.

Overall, the Rosemond has some good principles to give concerning parenting and even some helpful tools.  But the reader should take everything with a grain of salt and more than just a little discernment.  3/5 stars

(Thanks to Thomas Nelson for providing a review copy of this book.)

Free Audiobook for November

This month’s free audiobook from Christian Audio is perhaps the best one they’ve ever offered – John Piper’s Desiring God.  Here is what they have to say about it:

Scripture reveals that the great business of life is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. In this paradigm-shattering classic, newly revised and expanded, John Piper reveals that the debate between duty and delight doesn’t truly exist: Delight is our duty. Join him as he unveils stunning, life impacting truths you saw in the Bible but never dared to believe.

Desiring God Ministries was founded in 1994 by Pastor John Piper of Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, MN. Desiring God exists to say that God’s ultimate goal is to glorify himself. Everything they do aims to spread a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples through Jesus Christ. Learn how they accomplish that and how you can join in the mission at www.desiringgod.org

christianaudio is truly thankful for the ministry of Desiring God and appreciative of Waterbrook-Multnomah for allowing us to offer this book. The Waterbrook Multnomah Publishing Group is committed to creating products that both intensify and satisfy the elemental thirst for a deeper relationship with God.

“Mind-hammering and heart-warming, Desiring God ignites a passion for God that would set the world ablaze if it were the norm and not the exception today.” -Os Guiness

“The healthy biblical realism of this study in Christian motivation comes as a breath of fresh air. Jonathan Edwards, whose ghost walks through most of Piper’s pages, would be delighted with his disciple.” -J.I. Packer

Use code NOV2009 when checking out.

(And just as a side note, this month’s book is in such demand, that christianaudio’s servers are having difficulty keeping up.  They’ve added additional servers, but are still experiencing issues.  If you can’t download it at first, keep trying!)

Music Monday – To God Alone

Here is Aaron Shust’s To God Alone.

 

Book Review – American Lion

In the history of American politics, most, if not all presidents have been men adept at polarizing the citizens of the nation.  Many were men who were either loved or hated, with little ground in between the two extremes.   In American Lion, Jon Meacham details the presidential life of one such man – Andrew Jackson.  Touching on his pre-presidential life only briefly, Meacham details the 8 years Jackson spent in the White House, relying “in part on previously unavailable documents.”  Meacham is careful to point out in his acknowledgements that “this book is not an academic study of [Jackson’s] presidency.” (p.363)

The book spends a great deal of time on three issues of Jackson’s presidency: the political and societal hubbub surrounding Jackson’s choice for Secretary of War, John Eaton – or more appropriately, surrounding his wife, Margaret; his opposition to the Second Bank of the United States; and his fight against nullification, or what Jackson called “the mad project of disunion.”  The coverage of the first, often dubbed the “Petticoat Affair,” seemed to drag on after awhile and made me feel like I was reading the 19th century version of the celebrity tabloids.

Jackson viewed himself (as president) as the people’s representative, sometimes to the point of a quasi-dictatorial aura.  He was an incredibly strong willed individual who used his power and influence over family, friends and enemies alike to get what he wanted.  Meacham’s descriptions of this aspect of Jackson, however, seem almost to excuse his actions.  Meacham also focused on the fact that Jackson expanded the powers of the president exponentially above any of his six predecessors, particularly through the use of the presidential veto.

Although the book is specifically about his presidential life (thus the subtitle Andrew Jackson in the White House), I wish it had covered a little more of the background of how exactly Jackson got to the White House.  Additionally, Meacham uses a writing style that follows a chronological approach and as a result, feels incredibly cumbersome and disjointed.  One section of a chapter will be discussing a particular issue, only to have the next paragraph jump to completely unrelated one without warning and then back to the first just as suddenly.

While the three subjects mentioned above received extensive coverage, Jackson’s policies and dealings with Native Americans gets comparatively little coverage.  Considering that this topic is perhaps one most associated with Jackson’s presidency, I was surprised and disappointed that Meacham did not spend more time on the topic.  Even though Meacham’s disclaimer of the book not being “an academic study of [Jackson’s] presidency” gives him some excuse for not spending more time on this issue, I expected a book of this size and renown to have more coverage than it did, especially considering the attention given to the Eaton affair.

Overall, American Lion is a good introduction to Jackson’s presidency.   While lacking in details such as his earlier life and rise into politics, it gave some good insights into how Jackson expanded the power of the president.

Crossway’s Trackback Thursday – Unpacking Forgiveness

For this week’s Trackback Thursday, Crossway has yet another excellent book offering – Chris Brauns’ Unpacking Forgiveness.  Check out their blog for more details.  Here’s an excerpt:

Unpack with Great Urgency
A Short Excerpt pp 91-93

How about you? Is there something in your life that could cause someone to stumble? Maybe there is a conflict in your marriage. Perhaps you are angry with your spouse because of something that he or she did. You want to hold onto it and get back a little revenge before working things out.

But don’t you realize that continuing the conflict one more day may cause your children or friends or family to stumble? Is that a responsibility you want to have? Take radical action as soon as possible to work things out.

How about at your church? Is there a conflict there that you are holding on to? Maybe you are right, but is holding on to this conflict going to cause people to stumble? To you, Jesus says, “Don’t do it. Take decisive and drastic action to avoid that responsibility. Better to have a massive rock tied around your neck and be thrown into the heart of the sea than to be responsible for causing someone to walk away from the faith.”

Jesus continued to encourage the disciples to be urgent in the next three verses.

“What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.” (Matthew 18:12–14)

Would you like to be the cause of a celebration in heaven? Then urgently pursue one who has wandered away. It may be because of a bro- ken relationship. Or it might be that he or she was distracted. Whatever the case, urgently pursue those who have drifted way…

In Matthew 18:4–14 Jesus taught that we must work out differences with the greatest sense of urgency. Christians should take drastic measures to avoid causing another brother or sister to walk away from the faith. We should love one another with the same level of risk-taking urgency that we would demonstrate in the face of some great crisis. There will probably be a time when you are called to resolve a situation even though you don’t feel you can handle it perfectly. Do it. Be urgent. Those who are willing to continue conflicts even at the expense of a negative impact on others should fear for their souls.

To this whole chapter, you might object, but aren’t there some things that we cannot let go? The answer is, absolutely. The next chapter will help determine which matters can be dropped and which cannot.

Book Giveaway – Sacred Friendships

Mark Kelly over at Grace Dependent is giving away a copy of the book Sacred Friendships, by Dr. Bob Kelleman & Susan Ellis.  Check out his blog for more details, but hurry – giveaway ends Oct.30, 2009.  Here’s an excerpt from his review of the book:

The authors, Kellemen & Ellis, do a fantastic job of immediately addressing the stated purpose (above) of Sacred Friendships from the beginning of the book.  They draw the reader in with their masterful telling of the forgotten voices of women believers throughout history.  In the telling of each and every story, the reader is faced with the encouragement and challenge to adapt the biblical practice of “soul care and spiritual direction” (biblical counseling).

Sexual Detox

Tim Challies has started what has so far been an excellent series called “Sexual Detox” on the very sensitive topic of sex and pornography.  It is very well worth the read (especially Part 3).  I’ve included a link to each article along with a brief excerpt :

Part 1 – Pornifying the Marriage Bed:  Many young men need a kind of sexual detox before they are equipped to be the kind of pure, loving, attentive, sacrificial husbands that God calls them to be. In this series of articles I hope to help young men reorient their understanding of sex, both in the big picture and in the act itself, according to God’s plan for this great gift.

Part 2 – Breaking Free:  There aren’t too many Christian men out there who are looking at pornography and who don’t know that they need to quit. The problem isn’t with knowledge—it’s with desire and ability. Every Christian guy who looks at porn wants to stop, but many of them want to stop just a little bit less than they want to keep going. And so sin prevails. The only way you will stop is if you begin to see the monstrous nature of the sin you are committing. You will only stop if the sin is more horrifying to you than the perceived goodness of the enjoyment of that sin. You will need to hate that sin before you can find freedom from it….God is infinitely more willing to deal with your sin than you are to commit your sin. You may love this sin and be committed to it, but if you are a Christian, God is more willing than you are to overcome it and destroy it. He will grant grace for you to put sin to death. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9).

Part 3 – A Theology of Sex:  Yet sexual desire, the appetite for sex, is not given in equal measure. It is typically given in greater part to men. Why is this? The answer, I’m convinced, goes right to the heart of the husband-wife relationship. God commands that men, husbands, be leaders. Men are to take the leading role while women are to follow. God intends that men take leadership even in sex and, therefore, he gives to men a greater desire for it. This way men can lead their wives, taking the initiative, taking care to love their wives in such a way that they wish to have sex with their husbands. Generally speaking, a man finds intimacy and acceptance through sex while a woman needs to first experience intimacy and acceptance before she can be prepared to enjoy sex. And so God gives the man a sexual appetite so he can in turn provide for his wife’s needs before she provides for his.

Music Monday – By Faith

The Getty’s have produced another awesome album, called Awaken the Dawn.  While all the songs on the album have great content and lyrics, By Faith is perhaps, in my opinion, the best song on the album.  Based on Hebrews 11 (the “Hall of Faith” chapter), it tells the journey of those saints who have gone before us and sings of the promise that the power of the Gospel shall prevail.

By faith we see the hand of God
In the light of creation’s grand design
In the lives of those who prove His faithfulness
Who walk by faith and not by sight

By faith our fathers roamed the earth
With the power of His promise in their hearts
Of a holy city built by God’s own hand
A place where peace and justice reign

(chorus)
We will stand as children of the promise
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul’s reward
Till the race is finished and the work is done
We’ll walk by faith and not by sight

By faith the prophets saw a day
When the longed-for Messiah would appear
With the power to break the chains of sin and death
And rise triumphant from the grave

By faith the church was called to go
In the power of the Spirit to the lost
To deliver captives and to preach good news
In every corner of the earth

By faith this mountain shall be moved
And the power of the gospel shall prevail
For we know in Christ all things are possible
For all who call upon His name

By faith we see the hand of God

In the light of creation’s grand design

In the lives of those who prove His faithfulness

Who walk by faith and not by sight

By faith our fathers roamed the earth

With the power of His promise in their hearts

Of a holy city built by God’s own hand

A place where peace and justice reign

(chorus)

We will stand as children of the promise

We will fix our eyes on Him our soul’s reward

Till the race is finished and the work is done

We’ll walk by faith and not by sight

By faith the prophets saw a day

When the longed-for Messiah would appear

With the power to break the chains of sin and death

And rise triumphant from the grave

By faith the church was called to go

In the power of the Spirit to the lost

To deliver captives and to preach good news

In every corner of the earth

By faith this mountain shall be moved

And the power of the gospel shall prevail

For we know in Christ all things are possible

For all who call upon His name

Book Review – Sacred Waiting

In our Western culture, it seems that there’s little else that people despise more than waiting.  Even as Christians, we are certainly not immune to wanting things done, done now, and done quickly.  Even if we were to pray “Lord, give me patience” we might often find ourselves adding “…and HURRY!”  Yet David Timms, in his new book Sacred Waiting, points out that waiting on God is exactly the mindset that we as Christians should have, but perhaps struggle with the most.  Like our cultural contemporaries, we want things done according to our plan and our time table.  As Timms writes, “If we have a problem right now, then right now would be a good time for the Lord to step in and deal with it.” (p.14) The problem is that we see our lives as analogous to a waiter in a restaurant – except we’ve placed ourselves as the ones being served by God, our waiter.

Building on this analogy in the first half of the book, Timms shows how these roles should be reversed.  He redefines the manner in which we are prone to think of waiting: sacred waiting is not “what we have to do between two points in time to get what we really want” but rather is “drawing closer to Him and responding to His leading.”  He looks at the lives of Noah (wait and endure), Abraham (wait and trust), Moses (wait and learn), David (wait and worship) and Jesus (wait and obey), and highlights different ways in which each one waited on God.  Each chapter shows a different facet of what waiting on God looks like.  I especially appreciated the chapters on the lives of Abraham and David.  And by “appreciated” I mean that my toes got stomped on and my heart convicted about my lack of a Godward focus and desire.

In the second half of the book, Timms shows how waiting on God is seen in the calendar of the church: Advent, Lent, Easter, Pentecost, Kingdom.  It was this section that really brought home to me the universality of waiting on God and how it permeates every celebration of the church.  In Advent waiting, we recognize our need and anticipation of a Deliverer, culminating in the birth of Christ.  During Lent, we wait and fast in acknowledgement of our need of and hunger for God.  During Easter, we celebrate the fact of the Lord’s resurrection, waiting for our own complete deliverance from “this body of death” as the Apostle Paul puts it.  The Pentecost wait reminds us to simply wait on God’s timing as He moves through the power of the Holy Spirit.  And finally, the Kingdom wait encourages us to continue seeking God’s Kingdom and not our own.

Each chapter ends with a series of group discussion questions, making this book ideal for small group studies.  There were parts of the book that I felt could have been flushed out a little more, such as in regards to the practical aspects of what “service and presence” might or might not look like.  I appreciated his emphasis throughout the book that sacred waiting is not waiting FOR God, but rather waiting ON God.  There are so many great truths in each chapter that this small book is well worth reading slowly and deliberately, taking the time to let the wisdom sink in.

(Thanks to Bethany House for providing a copy of this book to review.)

Music Monday – What do I know of Holy?

Here’s another group that I’ve just recently discovered, called Addison Road.   This song especially makes me think of how little I really know God.   Here’s “What Do I Know of Holy?”

“What do I know of you,
who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
but the shore along Your ocean?