The Porpoise-Driven Life

Coming soon to a bookstore near you, The Porpoise-Driven Life! It’s the latest craze in Christian fad-dom!

HT: The Riddleblog

He ventured forth to bring light to the world

(This was way too good to pass up)

The anointed one’s pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action – and a blessing to all his faithful followers (by Gerard Baker)

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.

And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth – for the first time – to bring the light unto all the world.

He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the

Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the

Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.

From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child’s very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child’s wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child’s journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.

And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.

On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”

Music Monday – Imagine

And now for Music Mondays, a little bit of humor (with apologies to John Lennon). (ht: DowBlog)

Squirmeneutics

Thanks to Tom In the Box for this gem. Sometimes, reality is definitely stranger than fiction.

squir-me-neu-tics (skwûrm’meh-nōō’tĭks)
n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
1. the science of misinterpretation, esp. of the Scriptures, to such a degree that it causes listeners with any common sense to squirm.
2. misinterpretation of the Scriptures so absurd that it causes one to question whether or not it could possibly be for real.

Warning: This video is PG. It uses some old King James language that is generally considered crude today. I believe it’s fine for adults, but you may not want your kiddos around when you watch this.

Parents, speak out!

The following video poignantly tells of the dangers our kids are facing from what is perhaps one of the most underestimated diseases in the nation. Parents, we must be informed of what endangers our kids and help save them from this dreadful disease. Watch and learn.

More Satire!!

I like satire.

I like parody.

I like them even better when it’s Christian satire or parody. There’s something about pointing out our own idiosyncracies, stupidities, or other absurdness that is so often incredibly funny. It’s like a caricature – it takes little things/flaws, focuses on them, blows them way out of proportion and the end result is something that vaguely looks like the real thing, but in a much more comical way. Two excellent sites, in my humble opinion, are Larknews and the Wittenburg Door.

I am pleased to present to you a third site, which has quickly climbed to being one of my all-time favorites – http://www.tominthebox.net/. With an encouragement to “think inside the box,” Thomas Slawson, with help from his brother, “Brother Slawson” and another fella called “Elder Eric,” regularly posts some incredibly funny satire poking fun at everything religious from Benny Hinn to Fred Phelps to Pensacola Christian College (and, hey, I’m all for THAT!). After taking the time to read all the archives (believe me, it’s worth it!), I can say that I haven’t read such creative, yet painfully funny satire in a long time – including stuff from the Door and Larknews.

Just to give you a taste, you’ll find articles such as “Child Named Judas ‘Not Iscariot’ to Help Clarify,” “Your Best Teeth Now!” (a la Joel Osteen), “Pastor Struggles with ‘Terrible Sermon Illustrations,’” and an article that addresses what we’ve all been wanting to say – why is everyone talking about Paris Hilton (complete with 8-part sermon series)?! They even have a few products like NetFinney, Arrr-mini-ohs (“a cereal you can freely choose!”), and The Puritan Message: John Owen in Contemporary Language

So go ahead and follow the link. You’ll not be disappointed.

The Man Hug

This is for the guys.

We’ve all experienced it. If you haven’t, you will. You see an old friend (another guy) one day while on your lunch break. Excited to see each other, you extend your hand for that “Hey, how’ve you been” handshake, but instead your friend opens his arms, clearly indicating he’s about to give you a hug. For a split second, you experience an intense feeling of awkwardness and you catch yourself almost doubting his manliness. But to refuse his hug might make you seem stand-offish and not all friendly. So you return the embrace, and quickly move on to catching up with all the details of your friend’s life. After the meeting, you go your separate ways, but all the while wondering both about your friend and about whether or not your friend is wondering about you. Should you have insisted on the manly, firm handshake? What’s wrong with a hug between friends anyway?

Fear not, fellow men. Worry no more. I am pleased to bring you what is perhaps the most comprehensive guide ever for giving the perfect Man Hug. Watch this video and you will no longer have to wonder about the appropriateness, the timing, or the technicalities of the Man Hug. Live free in this newfound wisdom.

Coinage Mayhem

Here’s another funny piece of satire from our friends at The Wittenburg Door.www.wittenburgdoor.com

Godforsaken Coins Flood Market, Cause Rampant Godlessness

The US Mint has announced that a production error caused approximately 50,000 gold George Washington dollar coins lacking the words, “In God we Trust” to pass into circulation. The magnitude of this crisis cannot be overstated, although we are determined to try.

If Americans can’t consult their coins to learn anew that they trust God, what are they supposed to think? Simple: Maybe there is no God to trust. Or if there is a God, maybe we can’t trust Him. Or maybe that’s our Creator pictured there, sporting wooden teeth and powdered hair. Oh, we just won’t remember Who to trust anymore, and then… well jeepers, what’s the point of it all?

Not surprisingly, this mistake has instantly unleashed a tidal wave of wanton and Godless behavior by the holders of the atheist coins. Satan is jingling in their pockets, and the ever-suggestible American people are reacting accordingly.

Retreat centers are throwing open their doors for all-night drug and sex parties; cherubic schoolchildren are cutting the heads off their neighbors’ prize tulips; dazed shopkeepers are abandoning their wares and boarding buses to the Palatial Palace Casino.

One elderly gentleman was interviewed as he entered The Secret Garden adult video store. “I always thought it was in God I trusted,” he shook his head ruefully. “But when I checked my wallet this morning, I learned I was mistaken. Oh well, excuse me, I have 75 years worth of wild oats to sow.”

In a frantic effort to recall the errant and filthy Lucre of Lucifer, the Mint is offering rewards for the return of the gravely misleading money. 50,000 Americans will soon be recompensed with coins proclaiming, “We trust you, God! We really trust you! Boy, do we, Americans, trust God!” To accommodate the extra verbiage the new coins will be 5 inches in diameter. Vending machines and pay phones may be a challenge, but the giant size XL moolah will be a handy reminder of Him in whom we Trust.

If all of the Devil’s Dollars can be retrieved, there is hope for America. Dens of iniquity will empty, nuns will return to their nunneries and monks to their monkeries. Little cherubs will continue to murder flowers, but hey – what are you gonna do?

A host of organizations, the Boy Scouts, the Salvation Army, People for the American Way, AARP, the Royal Order of the Odd Fellows, the Jerry Lewis Telethon production team, and the entire congregation of Calvary Assemblies of God in Wheaton, Ill., have set collection centers outside Wal-Marts across America. Other groups are joining hourly.

Spokesperson Stan Mooneyham, released a joint statement to the national media:

“Please, give generously. Our corporate soul is at stake here.”

Just stuff

It’s been awhile since I updated, but that’s because not a whole lot has been happening (at least, nothing that I can talk about just yet). Since I don’t have anything original to give my adoring fans (you are out there, right? Hello? [crickets chirping] Anyone?), here’s some fun stuff. I’m a big fan of Christian satire and allegory, mainly because it does so well at pointing out some inconsistencies and quite often silliness of what often passes for Christianity. And I must confess, that for me, it hits a little too close too home very often. So first, here’s a “news” article from the great Wittenburg Door, the self-proclaimed “world’s pretty much only religious satire magazine.” Then an inspirational poem to mull over.

CHRISTIAN CONGRESSMEN SWEAR ON PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE

Washington D.C. (January 6, 2007) — In a controversy that eerily mirrors the recent dispute over a congressman’s use of the Koran, several Christian representatives have asked to be sworn in on the best-seller, The Purpose Driven Life.

“We were asked to use the most meaningful text in our life,” said Rep. John T. “And, as far as I can see, my Pastor preaches more from Rick Warren than the Bible.”

McGruder and Rep. James R. Newhell of Wheaton (R-Ill) both petitioned Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to be allowed to use the famous evangelical guidebook in the swearing in ceremony at the Capitol.

Reactions from other Congressman and public figures were mixed.

“I see no reason not to allow others to use their own books — as long as ALLAH AKBAR!” shouted Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn). Rep. Ellison, who is a Muslim, had requested to use the Koran for his swearing in ceremony and is, apparently, the inspiration for the requests from Representatives McGruder and Newhell.

Well-known talk show host Dennis Prager was among those who roundly condemned Rep. Ellison’s request. Prager, who is Jewish, was also opposed to the use of The Purpose Driven Life.

“I don’t understand why a Christian wouldn’t use the Bible, especially an evangelical,” Prager asked rhetorically. “Do they think they’ve used up all the material there?”

Other evangelicals welcome the change.

“This open-mindedness is truly godly,” said Lincoln Bradford, pastor and noted praise-song author. “I hope eventually they’ll use more personally inspiring items – worship music CDs, Ron Dicianni paintings, the “Foot Prints in the Sand” poem. This country and the modern church were founded on a Christian’s right to have a personalized relationship with God – regardless of what’s in the Bible.”
__________________________________________________________________

And now the poem

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat,
“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.”

“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.” (author unknown)

…and to all a goodnight

Christmas is here again. Wow, where did this year go?! So much has happened this year. By far the best thing was Carlos and Jeremiah coming home in January. These two little guys have changed our lives in so many ways – most of them good. Carlos has grown from a somewhat shy little boy who spoke no English to an EXTREMELY extraverted 5 year-old who will talk your ear off (mostly in the form of a question). Although he has his share of “orneriness,” he is such a thoughtful boy who looks out for his mommy and little brother. His “love language” is definitely giving things to people. He seems to always have a surprise for me when I get home in the form of a card that he had made, complete with envelope, or wanting to give me one of his toys as a special surprise. If I forget to take something with me to work one day, he’ll re-gift it the next day.

Watching Jeremiah learn new things is a constant source of joy for me. Perhaps one of my favorite things was when he learned about dogs. Anytime he sees one, hears one, or thinks he sees or hears one, he’ll look at me, point in the direction of said dog, (imaginary or otherwise) and make his barking sounds, which sounds something like “Oooo, oooo.” He is constantly wanting to do whatever Carlos is doing. If Carlos is racing around the house with his truck, Jeremiah wants to as well. If Carlos is reading, Jeremiah wants to read. And even when he’s in trouble, he sometimes gets this silly, goofy grin that makes it really hard (not impossible!) to enforce discipline.

My wonderful wife is as beautiful as ever. She is the best wife, mommy and friend in the world. Even though the switch in full-time jobs has been challenging at times, she has been so great at adapting to mommy-hood. She is an excellent teacher with Carlos, helping him to learn his letters and numbers. I really don’t know how she finds time to do all the stuff she does. I love you, sweetheart!

I was going to blog about the stupidity that invariably accompanies this time of year (such as the so-called “war on Christmas”), but I think we hear enough of that from the talking heads. So instead I leave you with this:

Merry Christmas to all!!*

*Disclaimer

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great – not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere – and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.